March is recognised internationally as Women’s Month.
This year, I was part of the UN Women’s CSW69 cohort this year. An intensive two weeks bursting at its seams.
Two weeks of bringing women and some men from all nooks and crannies of the Globe together and you can only imagine the heat erupting out of that space
There were lots of takeaway moments. Participants kept sharing nuggets via graphics. Below are two of such:
It seems that the average man has been conditioned to find his validation in a woman’s admiration. He had been taught that when a woman expresses the power of her Agency, that is a direct affront on him. And the penalty is to attack. It does not matter if the attack be physical, sexual, financial, emotional or even outright elimination — what matters is that he must find a way to show her he is a man — even if his children become collateral damages. And not to think anything of it.
Amaraya
“Men who claim a woman belongs to the Kitchen are the same men who want a female doctor to attend their wives”
CSW Speaker
I wrote an article on Medium. Click the link below to read and share your thoughts.
As reviewed through the eyes of an unmarried, Igbo woman
You must have read quite a few reviews on this book. Which means you know the storyline is female-centred. So let me spare you. It is a book which kept me up for two consecutive nights, few books achieve that feat.
Now come along, for this unconventional review through my lived experiences. I assure you, this is about the best review you would get so far.
I share a touchpoint with all four characters in this book.
Kadiatou: West African who grew up in a Muslim-dominated North. Self-effacing. Single parent immigrant with a young child.
Unmarried Igbo woman with a well-paying career in her 40s like Chiamaka. Omelogor. Zikora.
Zikora: A puritan single mother who can relate to the Kwame scenario.
Omelogor: a banking background including Treasury experience with access to the corridors of power. I saw how the money game is played in there. Her culture shock in America. Friendship in Abuja with Hauwa and the exclusive Northern world. + deep friendships
Chia: Travel writer. Idealistic romantic views and a naïve heart.
THE REVIEW:
I will review it from the angle of topics the author covered.
Societal Pressure on Females: Chiamaka, Omelogor and Zikora are all well educated, travelled and successful females holding down their fortes. Although, through the lens of society and families, they fall short by being financially independent, unmarried Igbo females in their 40s.
That wife who sparks envy: Chia’s mom was an archetype of the privileged Anambra wife. Stunningly Beautiful. Moneyed & doting husband. Uppity. Stay home mom who simply ate her husband’s money. That woman who sparks envy from other women as due to no fault of hers, she is blessed with much. Yet people wanted humility from her to prove that no woman deserved so much. She was also that mother, who gradually descends from her exclusive list of the type of man you should marry, to encouraging you to settle for any available man.
Shifting Values: The family members who now encourage you to adopt, try IVF or have a child if marriage is not coming. Backtrack 10, 20 years ago and those same people would have blatantly rejected any such option. This shows that with time, our views evolve. Also, the things we think we stand for today, are mostly self-serving.
Fragile Female Self-Esteem: You are lucky if you have not been in a relationship with a Darnell. The user who is intimidated by you yet he likes the idea of your status. And in retaliation he attempts to make himself feel better by diminishing you. Yet you stay, make excuses for him then try to protect him from your circles. We also see it play out in how Binta, Kadiatou’s sister, kept lying to protect her city boyfriend from Kadiatou’s prying questions. The burden of a societal expectation to downplay yourself for a man to shine.
Self-Sabotage: Darnell treats you like crap and you wish for better. Chuka treats you like a queen. Still, you dump Chuka for a myth. Who else can relate?
Intricacy of Female Friendships: the deep bonds, pettiness and insecurities of female friendships show up all through the book.
Poverty & Widowhood: Kadiatou’s father’s death changed the trajectory of their lives for the worse. Her mother’s experience with in-laws and subsequently, Kadiatou herself when her husband died, are real experiences in African culture.
Culture Shock: Omelogor’s experience in America which led to depression. It depicts what happens, especially to the average middle-class Nigerian, used to certain comforts, who relocates to the West.
Polygamy: Zikora’s father taking a second wife because his wife could only birth Zikora, a daughter. In Igbo land, a man who dies without a son has no legacy.
The book touches sensitive topics like Female Genital Mutilation, Rape, Shades of Racism, Betrayal, Nepotism, Single Parenting, Genocides citing the Nigerian-Biafran war, Operation Parsley of the Haiti-Dominicans, the Kano riots, the Nazi SS refugees in Argentina.
Furthermore, the hypocrisy of the West was depicted in; the replay of the 2011 rape scandal involving the IMF chief, Dominique Strauss-Khan and Nafissatou Diallo, a hotel cleaner. In addition to Operation Persil — The 1960s French government covert operation in Guinea to arm twist Sekou Toure into submission. Also, in Amadou, the black immigrant jailed for selling drugs and thrown into a faraway jail in Virginia.
And yes, Kadiatou’s fonio — called Acha in Northern Nigeria — left my mouth watering.
Sharon is one of the innumerable gifts Life sent my way as I traipsed through the valley of shadow of death via cancer
Recently, we were on the phone and I was taking her through a Values Elicitation session. Simply put, it is an NLP tool which helps dislodge you from your inertia by untangling your cobwebs.
Read below part of that call as consented by her.
SHARON’S STORY
“When I got pregnant, everything changed. Especially within my family. The disappointment was too heavy. I had gone from the promising daughter – with high hopes and expectations — who was trained abroad and brought back home, to an unwed single mother. A failure
I resigned from my job as I could not bear the shame. I left church due to the stigma which was worse because he was active in the church.
Then I had to move back home to the same neighbourhood I grew up in. This was after my father died and I was the only unmarried person in the family. In addition to the fact that I was struggling financially and by now dependent on the others, my mother needed someone so I moved in with my son.
The intervening years damaged my self esteem. I carry the shame around and feel like everyone is staring at me when I step out. I no longer have friends and no social interactions. So I only join online Groups and even there I do not talk as I do not want to be known. I also do not think I have any value to bring to anyone.
That is why I am very quiet in Groups .” This woman in her 40s concluded plaintively in her 5 year old voice.
“Congratulations. You try” I said sarcastically in a Nigerian slang
“So this is what you have been putting that teenage boy through?
“How do you mean” she asked
“You are raising a son who sees you tell him that he is a mistake. Do you have any idea what that is doing to his identity and esteem?
“But I do not know what to do. I am not bold like you”
“Is that what you think about me? bold? do you know the difference between I and you?
We are in a procession to some destination, all of us attired in white. As we sashay along, Life thoughtlessly tosses a bunch of rotten lemons at us. While some of us where lucky enough to step out of the way in time, a few of us watched in horror as our dresses welcomed the lemons.
Now, you Sharon, extricate yourself from the procession, flop down there with a soiled dress and start crying. I, on the other hand, noticing the damage to my attire began to go through a range of emotions like you.
However, instead of stopping, I kept moving, albeit slowly now. As I move, I make a mosaic of my outfit with the lemon stains. Although it stands me out from the team, it also draws attention to me and makes me intriguing. It says there is something about her which makes her dress different. Yet, she is daring enough to be here”.
As the world celebrates women today, I celebrate all Sharons! Get off the floor, look at your dress and decide the pattern you want to create. Remember that a mosaic is made up of different materials woven together to create a stunning piece.
Friday 02:26am Sitting up in bed. Listening to the Hausa song #Rahama by Kaestrings This song – one of my 2024 discoveries – has been playing in my head for days on end. Maybe because I have been immersed in studying the Biblical stories of 1. Blind Bartimaeus 2. Dorothy [my name for the faceless … Read more
Sometime in 2023 after I mentioned Online that I was walking the road of Cancer, someone forwarded this WhatsApp message to me. They said nothing else. I did not need it but I had someone in Nigeria then who did. Figuring it would come in handy I thought of her immediately. Verifying Accuracy However, since … Read more
It was my then best friend Ojochide who first pointed out my self sabotage. Unfortunately, my save-the-world glasses were still on then. Teenage friends who met in Jos then transitioned to Lagos. We were at the Tejuosho market, Yaba, that day when I began berating her. Again she had lost her cool with one of … Read more
