i can take care of myself without you

“How are you enjoying your Lunch privilege?”

“Good” he responded

“So which friend did you nominate?”

“Jack”

I supported myself by the kitchen door frame as I watched him pack snacks for School.

His latest award was an Early Lunch Pass. To be shared with a buddy. That was an exciting one for him as it meant he could get to skip the food queues for a week.

“Have you finished your £10 yet?”

He was meant to credit more funds into his meal account this week.

“No, I have not even touched it yet. I want to pay it in twice but have not been able to split it”

“And you did not tell me?”

“I don’t want to disturb you” he looked at me apologetically. I cursed cancer again beneath my breath. This boy did not have to grow up this fast.

Children from solo-parent homes already mature faster than their peers. Then you had to toss in grappling with a sick mother in a strange land. And now, I have an adult in a child’s skin. A very painful point for me as a reminder of how I had to grow up at 8 years of age.

“You do not want to disturb me? I veiled my pain as I continued – I have repeatedly told you to use me. I am alive and here as a Resource for you. My job is to take care of you, not you caring for or thinking for me. Tell me and if I cannot do it, I would seek help. Stop being my father. You are my child”.

“Sorry” he murmured

“I have a £5 note and coins. I got coins from the driver when I went out yesterday” I remarked while walking back to my room.

He followed and I could feel his palpable relief as we exchanged the monies.

“Alright bye mommy, I have to go now” The child in him announced cheerily as he bounced away.

However, as I watched him through the window running to the Bus Stop, a thought dropped!

That is precisely what we do when we refuse to ask God for help. We hold onto our burdens trusting in our capacities to sort it out without him. We fret & sweat when all it requires is simply being vulnerable enough to scream for help.

And he folds his hands watching us roll that heavy boulder up the cliff.