“My home is hot right now as my wife has served me an ultimatum”. he cradled his coffee cup and leaned back into his seat
We all turned towards him.
“Why is that?” Alan one of the coordinators, an elderly man with kind eyes asked.
“She insists my friend has to leave” Ovie replied with a rueful smile.
“Your friend?” Alan prodded
I bit down at the smile tugging on my lips. I did not want anyone to miscontrue the smile. I was smiling because in front of me was an African male caught in a conundrum. Pressed enough yet weighing his masculinity vs vulnerability. I knew what it meant for him to even broach this topic here.
“Yes. My friend has been staying with us for about a month now” Ovie replied
“His wife sent him out of the house and he had no place to go so I offered”
The room was pin-drop silent.
This is one of the things I like about this group. Anyone vulnerable enough to share was allowed to pace themselves.
“They had some challenges which escalated. It led to him leaving the house”
“Must have been serious” stated Asya, an Afghan woman also a member of the team
“what type of issues?” another man sitting across enquired
“He has been job hunting since they came in for about 9 months now. He refused to do the Care job insisting it is beneath him. Also at home he does not help out with the chores or child care”
His wife, a nurse, is the primary provider. When she is at work, he finds it hard to cope with the kids. He pushes her to send the kids to her friends who can look after them while she is at work
“So what does he do then if he is not working?”
“He stays home and sleeps. Some days he buys a day ticket then gets on the bus and simply keeps going round the city. Other times, Parks, beach and City Centre”
“The load became so much for his wife. A few of us even had to come in and intervene yet he refuses to work claiming he is looking for a befitting job”
“He was a big boy back home. Had a very good job and business. That business was sustaining them for sometime though since they came in until it stopped”
“So how did this man end up in your house?”
“He is my childhood friend. Moreso, when we newly arrived, they housed my family – the four of us. It was not convenient yet they sheltered us for about two months”
“And now you are repaying his kindness?”
” Or enabling his poor choices?”
“The thing is I understand him. He is a proud person and even back home, he did not get involved in running the home. He had the money and paid for everything” Ovie waved his hand
“His anger stems from the fact that he feels disrespected by the wife. As his girlfriend, he put her through the University where she studied nursing. He did everything for her including helping her to secure this job before they came over. He made her life so comfortable with all the domestic help she wanted back then and she has not really paid any bills before now”
“Are you for your friend or your wife?”
“What about the inconvenience to your family?”
“What inconvenience? asked Amin a Pakistani “They can all live in peace”.
“Why does your wife want him out then?” Alan raised his hands, taking charge of the meeting as many people began to speak at once
“She claims he is a bad influence. And she resents the fact that he is willing to move out of his home. He does this instead of bending to the realities of this new environment. Besides, it is affecting her friendship with his wife”. Ovie admitted like he was begging us to help
“We are seeing lots of these issues recently. We have also heard that it is a cultural shock of …… and as Alan spoke, my mind drifted. I thought about all the unsavoury stories of struggle coming out of the ethnic minorities group all around.
