#worldviews

Immigrant Parenthood: a man’s world

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“You saw how clueless I was when my baby began crying. The women here had to step in and take over. If I was back in Nigeria I would never take a baby out of the house on my own.  said a frazzled ‘deji as he started contributing to the discussion”

The Nigerian in me sensed his panic earlier when his baby began fretting. He kept rocking the buggy to lull the crying child without any success. A British woman tentatively intervened. This caused other women to chip in. Much as I wanted to help, Chemo was being a bitch and getting to that meeting already had me wiped. My need to help my community also to getting out of the house was why I got here.

We were at another of those sessions where the topic was ‘Issues that new arrivals face’. He was one of the volunteers from various communities who had turned up for this meeting. Faces around the table included a range of ethnic minorities alongside the British organisers

“Back home, you would not even get involved in child care because of community. My mom, her mom, sisters, aunties, and even paid domestic help with child care. And I speak for most of our men” he continued while I and the other ethnic minorities nodded

“As doctors, both of us can afford a nanny and a Housekeeper for this baby. But, this is what we get for moving away from the comforts of our homeland. We did this in search of a better life for our children.” This was their first child and his wife had recently resumed after her 9-months’ maternity Leave.

“I understand and that is why I asked to I carry your baby. Although I am British, my husband is Vietnamese. We lived in Vietnam for years. So, I know the culture.” Sharon, the woman who first reached out, smiled. She paced the room while still rocking the quiet baby. That explained a lot for me.

“And it does not end only at childcare but also housework”. ‘deji continued. “These are things an average man, especially one with a good job, would not do back home. But here, you either help out and run the home or there would be trouble because your wife alone can’t cope”

“Of course, she is also struggling. Back home, some of our women, especially those making money, do not even get involved in daily house chores. They simply pay to get it done.” Again, another round of nods as some of the British people looked on in amazement.

“As I looked on at this great divide in the room, I was glad I dragged myself to this meeting. It was a beneficial one to both parties. Your job revolves around #DEI. How can you engage successfully with someone you know nothing about their way of life?

How about the immigrant who has been repeatedly cautioned to be wary of their hosts because of XYZ and ABC? Was it not after all the empowering knowledge of lived experiences? It made Sharon reach out to help a young black father struggling with his distressed baby. Others like her looked on because they did not know which lines to cross.

The aim of these sessions is simple; build a bridge so we draw close enough. Ditch your binoculars, step across across the divide and view the scenery with the other person’s lenses.

of travels and worldviews

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I shuffled wearily into the hall and sat on the first sofa by the door. Camp was taking its toll on me.

The seat closest to the door was vacant and I made a beeline for it. A middle-aged female sat there. I plopped myself beside her. And as it happens, we eventually got talking.

She drove in to camp from the Netherlands with her mother.

“Netherlands?” That far? I thought #Newwineunited was only for people here in the UK”

“No. People come from all over”

“So where are you originally from?”

“Nigeria” I smiled wearily

” I hear it is beautiful” she observed

“Yes. I grimaced

“Are you alright?” she asked and I responded with a nod. “Just tired”

She told me her name. I cannot recall it.

“my name is amara” I replied

“Awww, what does it mean? and where is it from? “

“Grace” It is an Igbo name from the South-East of Nigeria.

“My daughter is Amana” she offered.

“Amana?” That is not English. Where is it from?”

“Hebrew. It means faithful”

“Interesting. It is also an Arabic and Hausa word” I mentioned

“Hausa is a language in northern Nigeria mostly populated by Muslims. So the etymology of their language is mainly Arabic same as Swahili.

“Really? what does it mean?” she was curious

“It means loyal, trust. It actually denotes something deeper like commitment. When you hand something over to someone and believe them accountable to keep that thing safe. Like Imani [faith]”

“Also used for betrayers as ka ci amana [you have eaten amana]. To hold someone accountable; na ba ka amana [I am giving you amana] and so on. As I described it; right then, it hit me that all my life I had associated the word figuratively like a tangible whereas it is also an intangible, I now realised.

“Wow, thank you amara. I had no idea the name was that widespread. I only knew it was a Hebrew name. So how come you know so much about languages?”

“I moved around a lot as a kid which equipped me”. I sighed in gratitude for my life’s trajectory which I always take for granted.

the fallacy of absolutes

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“The way coffee is consumed here is the same way we take soft drinks back home”   I pointed to a Coffee Shop as we walked through the Promenade.  “Except of course that Nigerians consume more than the other countries”

“Not true. The other countries consume more alcohol than us”.  Ruqqy replied.  We were walking from the Weekly Women’s Wellbeing session organised for vulnerable women by one of the Charities

“Which African country can you name that consumes more than us?”  I asked since population-wise, we are Africa’s biggest market.   Some countries could pass for one densely populated state in Nigeria.

“Togo people drink a lot of Alcohol” she responded

“Do you mean Pito? [a local beverage] I wanted to know.

“No, real Alcohol.   Their men are lazy and do not work.  They only stay outside and drink”  she surmised

“Did you live in Togo?”

“No.  Only saw them from the car as we drove past”

“So you have been to Togo?  I enquired

“I saw them drinking when we were driving past Lome to Abidjan. And the driver said that is how they drink from morning to night. That their men are lazy and start drinking from morning”

“Well, I have been to Togo regularly over the years.  I travelled the

A sign along the roads of Lome reminding citizens of the ECOWAS mandate.

ECOWAS corridor++ a lot and recall seeing the men through all the markets. 

Truthfully, one thing which struck me about them is that despite having such an expansive coastline, you only see the crowd at nights, not in the daytime. Unlike we and our Area boys who live on the beach”

“Moreover, if the men are lazy drunks then they are probably like some of us.  I recalled living in the Plateau as a teenager and their infamous Burukutu*+ parlours.  Within Nigeria, we still have tribes known for the indolence of their men who opt for alcohol over gainful labour”

A heap of coconuts at a streetside in Lome.

“We consume more than them because in addition to the carbonated and other local drinks we all make, they sell fresh coconuts which we do not” I argued

I saw them all through Benin, Ghana and even far-away Senegal.   Although there were hawkers with carbonated drinks like we have across Nigeria.”

“So how possible is it that they drink more than us?  I know they sell alcohol at garages like we do.  At least I saw them at Hilla-Kondji and at Seme*** I can not recall the Lagos Park at +*Aflao. 

At the Lome seaside.

What I recall of the Aflao border is that it is the neatest border among them all.  A big feat for a border which has the grand Marche Assigame** beside it   No hawkers around and it had this big Melcom superstore close by. 

And as Ruqqy confidently made those absolute statements, it struck me how we often are deceived by other people’s absolutes.

Here was someone with a second-hand report from a driver who most probably drives into the country; sits in his taxi and sleeps off until it is his turn to load for the return trip.  Yet, was passing down the statement like an absolute formed from experience.   However as we chatted,  vivid images tumbled across my head:

Visuals of the various time I had spent with the locals in the interiors.  

The male traders I encountered at the Asigame and Assiyeye+- markets.  The Nigerian traders up at dawn to start selling at the second-hand Assiyeye known as Biafran market. The Berber-Arabs with their shops all around town, and the Francophone-Hausa speakers I repeatedly sought help with when my rudimentary French failed me.

I saw myself strolling along the sun-kissed beaches where business only resumes After-hours.  And no cluster of men idling around

These clusters of men have all been grouped as ‘lazy’ by one driver whose circle of interaction is a subset of men drinking at the park.

And another person borrowed that narrative and ran with it cross-Atlantic. 

Now, can you imagine I was someone else without the lived experience of Togo?

Strolling through the Ghanian town of Aflao

How do you think her assertion could have shaped my views?  When next you are tempted to repeat unverified information about someone else as an absolute – pause and think of the damage you could inflict.

Notes:

  1. ++Ecowas Corridor is the stretch from Lagos to Abidjan.  Member countries have a treaty allowing for free movement of Peoples and Trade.  Which unfortunately is frustrated by most government agencies along that route. 
  2. *Burukutu is a staple drink of the Plateau people in Nigeria’s Middle Belt.  Brewed with fermented sorghum.
  3. ***Hilla-Kondji is the border between Benin and Togo. The only people-oriented border on that route where you can cross seamlessly. 
  4. ***Seme is the border in Lagos between Nigeria and Benin.  The most notorious on that route.  The notoriety and disorderliness of the Nigerian agencies ended up corrupting their Beninoise counterparts across the road.
  5. Aflao: border town between Togo and Ghana.  The next unfriendly border after Seme. From my experience, the Francophone borders are more humane than the Anglophones.
  6. +- Asigame is Togo’s largest international market in Lome. Similar to the Dantokpa market of Cotonou  while Assiyeye is another of their large market with a section where second-hand fashion items are resold thriftly. Majorly by Nigerian residents.  It attracts bulk buyers from Nigeria and elsewhere.  

Why Emotional Intelligence can sabotage you

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“You seem to be very high on managing your emotions” “yes, I have a very high emotional quotient” “and I see it is helping you a lot on this journey” “somehow” I whispered across the lines “care to explain?” he prodded “Well, I choose to see the pluses in my situation because there are a … Read more

Those We Leave Behind

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I always wondered why lions sneak up from the covers instead of up front.   They spook the unsuspecting herd, cause them to run amok then lie in wait for that one caught behind.  From a helpless flock of sheep through ala dazzle of zebras or even a tower of giraffes right to an intimidating parade … Read more