help me! i do not want to kill myself

Today, December 30th, would have been two years I left this world. That was the second time I came close to ending it that year.

It was some days after radiotherapy. I had been struggling for the last few days with the thoughts. It was a feeling of someone holding your head down under water. The person was mean-spirited enough not to allow you come up for air.

The previous night I could not sleep. I laid out my prescription drugs and wondered how best to do it. I am too cowardly to slice my wrists.

“I am highly suicidal but I do not want to kill myself” I said to Tobore on the phone.

“Sis, where are you? she inquired calmly

“I am lying on my bed”

“Where is your son?” her panicked voice gave her away

“My friend Ejaite’s husband took him away to stay with them for the holidays”

“So you are alone now?” she prodded

“Yes. I have been fighting it for days now. It was so bad that this morning I took myself to ZXY. I mentioned a Mental Minds centre. Told them how I was feeling and all that. They offered some counselling. I still feel same way strongly but do not want to bother anyone. You came to mind and so I called you”

“Alright, get up and go for a walk” she urged

“A walk by 10pm? We live by the beach and our air is chilly. Besides, I do not have the physical energy to get off this bed” Tobo had not realised it was that late at night.

“Let me switch this call to video and see your face” she said and goes

“why are you in darkness?”

“I do not want the light. Cannot sleep with lights”

“But you are not sleeping”

“I want to. But it is not coming” I said petulantly

“Okay, I want to see your face” she prodded

I switched it on.

“Sis, you have been simply awesome so far. Do you know what you have gone through already? Where is this coming from now?”

“I am tired of it all” I insisted

 

I cannot recall what we talked about. All I know is she held me on that line till midnight. As she walked round her house attending to her kids, she kept me in view.

When her husband came in and requested for plantain. Tobo remained on the line with me.

Later on, he came again and reminded her, I told her to go into the kitchen because I also wanted to eat out of the plantains. I had no idea how I would achieve such a feat that night with both of us in different parts of the country. While I watched her slice the plantains and fry them, I practically tasted them. And at that point, something shifted.

The scene changed from her kitchen to the base of a mountain.

“Aha, amara, I am yet to climb the Himalayas and here you are wanting to cut short my dream” I remonstrated as other things on my bucket list flashed through my mind.

“Thank you sis, let me go”

“Nooo, stay. I will soon finish” she insisted

“It is midnight. We have been on the phone for two hours now. And I do feel better anyway” I responded in a lighter mood

I am sharing this story today for two sets of people. You whose head is being held under water and you are tired of struggling. I know sometimes you feel you are a bother to people. You are not. There is always that one person who would be willing to keep you on the phone and while away time with you. And even if nobody picks up your call, try to recall that one thing you are still leaving for. Or a previously pleasant experience. It does not matter how small it is. Relieve the feelings and remind yourself why you need to stay here.

And you who will receive that call at an inconvenient time. You could be that lifeline a drowning person needs at that odd hour.

Thank you Tobore Anne Emorhokpor